Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
