Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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