My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
