You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
