You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
