He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
