what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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