I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
