Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize