remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
