You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
