You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
