Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
