I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
