I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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