I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
