it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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