Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
