Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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