oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
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Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
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I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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