: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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