So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
