I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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