True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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