I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
