Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
