I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
