I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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