Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
