This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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