1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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