Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
