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Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Randomize
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