I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.