Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
