I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
