Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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