insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
