Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize