So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
