They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
