I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
