he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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