im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
