I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
