My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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