I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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