My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
