i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
