you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
