I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
