I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
