Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
