Pappa wants mamma naked
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
