I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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