Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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